Franglais

Lost in translation across the Channel

France might be just across the English Channel from Britain, but Emma Jane Kirby says both nations are still prone to the pitfalls of linguistic misunderstandings.

Last weekend, standing on Pegasus bridge in Normandy for the D-Day celebrations, I was touched to see two classes of French primary school children singing the British national anthem in honour of the veterans.

As I went closer, I realised with delight that while they had got the tune off pat, the words were just slightly off the mark.

Standing tall and proud, the children were calling on the Almighty to "sieve the Queen and her setter, Victoria."

It took me straight back to my own school days when I had learned to sing the nursery rhyme Frere Jacques.

For many years I had warned *Frere Jacques to wake up not because the morning bells were ringing (sonnez les matines), but because there was *"sunny semolina" to be had.

'Yoghurting'

Even in your own language, it is difficult to catch accurately the words of a song if they are not written down in front of you, and in France, which imports most of its music from the US or UK, there is even a word for the appropriation of lyrics.

It is "yaourt", or "to yoghurt".

You start singing confidently... and then trail off into inarticulate "yoghurting" when your lexicon runs dry.

As far as I understand it, so long as you look slightly pained and shut your eyes while you yoghurt, you seem to get away with it.

Some years ago, an Irish friend of mine was on a French exchange in Paris and was hanging out with some of the local teenagers.

Desperate to impress her, they began to reel off their repertoire of English songs.

They said their favourite was a hit by Queen that they had picked up on the radio - I believe the original version was called I Want to Break Free - but unfortunately, the boys knew only the yoghurt version.

Although retaining the original passion, it had lost a little of the sense. It went: I Want a Steak Frites, I Want a Steak Frites.

'Simply hysterical'

Mispronunciations can have embarrassing consequences.

A French friend of mine, preparing a few snacks to hand round at an English drinks party, implored her guests to help themselves to nipples.

My father once returned from a trip to France complaining bitterly that the French had just laughed at him when he had tried to ask for directions to the railway station.

A few probing questions revealed that he had not asked for la gare at all - he had asked for la guerre (the war) - and the locals were simply hysterical at the idea of this white-haired, would-be combatant showing up for duty 65 years too late.

But it can happen to the best of us.

Madame de Gaulle was said to have been lunching with the American ambassador at the time of her husband's retirement when she was asked what she was most looking forward to in the years ahead.

She thought for a moment before announcing boldly: "A penis". A startled hush fell over the table until the former president leant over and said: "My dear, I think it's pronounced 'happiness'."

Speak in French, wrote Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass, when you cannot remember the English for a thing.

But there are many faux amis (false friends) to be wary of in English and French.

'Slip of the ear'

You can flatter a French woman by telling she looks formidable in her new dress, but tell an English woman she looks formidable in her new frock and she will quickly go and change.

And that one wrong word can do untold damage.

In English, looking and watching are two different things. In French, one word - regarder - will cover you for both.

My American friend Janet, on holiday in Montana with her French husband Eddy, suggested he wandered around the shops while she tried on her zillionth pair of shoes.

After a few minutes spent in a bed linen store he was approached by the female assistant who asked him if he needed any help.

"No thanks, I am just watching," he smiled, and was puzzled as she backed off slowly, desperately fumbling for her phone.

The other day I was reading an article in a French newspaper about how we regularly mishear words, particularly in foreign languages, and how that completely changes our comprehension of the conversation.

The writer spoke of a British acquaintance of his who was struck when he arrived in France by how much the French seemed to talk about Johnny Marr, the Smiths' guitarist.

Until the writer realised what his friend was actually hearing was "J'en ai marre (I'm sick of it)".

He went on in his article to inform his readers that the English even had a phrase for such a misunderstanding. It was called, he said confidently, a "slip of the ear*".

Source: BBC News

Idioms:



The idiom is normally a "slip of the tongue". This means that you say something that you didn't intend to say; a mistake in speaking.

A Freudian slip is also something that you say by accident which is different from what you intended to say but seems to show your true thoughts.

Many slips of the tongue / Freudian slips can be heard on you tube; most of them a bit rude. Here is one from Gordon Brown when he was PM and he claims to have "saved the world".

I also made the same mistake as a child with the song "Frere Jacques" Another school favourite was "Alouette". Here is a clip from "Tom and Jerry" in French. I love when the little mouse says "Bonjour Monsieur Pussy Cat".

Lost in Translation

Have a read of these mistranslations. Do you get all of them? What did they really mean to say?

1. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.


2. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.


3. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


4. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.


5. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.


6. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.


7. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.


8. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.


9. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.


10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.


11. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.


12. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.


13. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.


14. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.


15. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.


16. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.


17. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.


18. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.


19. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.


20. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.


21. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.


22. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.


23. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.


24. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.


25. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.


26. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?


27. On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.


28. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.


29. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.


30. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.


31. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.


32. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.


33. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.


34. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.


35. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.


36. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.


37. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.


38. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.


39. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


40. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.


41. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.


42. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.


43. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    - English well talking.
    - Here speeching American.

We were robbed of Eurovision!

Cliff was denied illegally!

According to TV documentary “1968. I lived through the Spanish May” - aired on La Sexta - the Eurovision Song Contest of 1968 was rigged by the Fascist regime of Francisco Franco to ensure the Spanish entry won.

The Spanish singer Massiel won the competition, with the creatively titled song ‘La, la, la’, by only one point, beating UK legend Cliff Richard, who was singing his (now) classic ‘Congratulations’.

Director Montse Fernandez Vila has claimed that RTE executives toured Europe offering cash and promising to buy television series and contract unknown artists from other Eurovision member states to influence the vote. At that time the winner of the competition was decided by a jury comprised of 10 members from each of the 17 countries participating with each member awarding one point to their favourite song.

”There is evidence that votes were bought to secure a win for Massiel,” said the director. ”The regime was acutely aware of the need to improve their image… Looking back at the parties that were organised and the way Massiel was turned into a national hero - it seems a bit excessive for a song festival but it all served to glorify the regime,” she said.

No need to rig this year’s soon upcoming contest though. After last year’s debacle, when the Spanish thought they had a winner and were cruelly denied by colluding newly arrived Eastern European nations who all voted for each other, they’ve gone ironic. For 2008 their entry is called ‘Chikichiki’ - a comedy, samba rap complete with crap-but-easy-to-learn dance.

Even if Chikichiki gets nul points in the competition it’s bound to* be a summer hit. So consider yourself warned if you’re holidaying on the playas this season.

This is a certain sign that the country has grown up after its fascist interlude and joined the top table of cynical, self-knowing western democracies. No more rigging pointless competitions, now they just take the piss. Or ‘toma el pelo’ as they say.

Source: Madrid-Uno Weblog

Vocabulary Focus:

* to be bound to : when you are certain something is going to happen

eg He is bound to be tired; he has been working all day and night.

eg I haven't studied at all; I am bound to make a mistake.

Bizarre Stories

10 stories that could be April Fools... but aren't

It's here again, the day when jokers set out to make fools of the rest of us. But not every bizarre story is a hoax. Here is a round-up of some of the day's seemingly spoof news stories which are actually true (and one that isn't).

1. A new pay-per-view funeral service scheme is being launched today. The Daily Mail says the scheme at Southampton Crematorium allows mourners to grieve from home by watching proceedings online.

2. A turtle is addicted to nicotine. He became addicted after picking up the smouldering butts in his owner's garden, in Kouqian, China, and sulks if he doesn't get his fix. The Daily Express, which picked up the story from Chinese news agency Xinhua, includes a gob-smacking picture of the turtle doing a rather good impression of Dot Cotton (character from a soap opera who always has a cigarette dangling from her mouth).

3. The menopause is caused by the age-old battle between wives and mothers-in-law, reports the Times. As long as 50,000 to 300,000 years ago, competition for food in a family unit was a battle won by the younger women who fed their offspring, which led to the older women losing their ability to breed. With food hard to find, mothers-in-law tended to help rear the grandchildren rather than have more children themselves.

4. An injection that allows women bigger and better orgasms by increasing the size of the mysterious G-spot is being launched in the UK, says the Sun. The £800 collagen jab takes less than half-an-hour and is given under local anaesthetic.

5. School desks and chairs are to be enlarged to meet the needs of the UK's ever-heavier schoolchildren, reports the Express. On average British children are a centimetre taller than they were 10 years ago, and there are more obese youngsters, so desks supplied to UK schools will reflect this.

6. Wind turbines or solar panels built by UK companies anywhere in the world could count towards Britain's renewable energy targets under controversial government proposals, according to the Financial Times.

7. You will soon be able to have a tattoo on your teeth, reports the Sun. Steve Heward, the dentist who started the craze in the US plans to set up in Britain.

8. The traditional Chinese martial art T'ai Chi can help control diabetes, reports the Daily Mail. Apparently, researchers have found the flowing movements and deep breathing involved can result in a fall in blood sugar levels.

9. A thief walked out of a busy Norwegian aquarium with a crocodile that was over two feet long, says the Independent.

10. Drinkers have been banned from calling barmaids "love". An outraged Daily Star says new discrimination laws mean landlords that allow punters to chat up staff could be hauled before a tribunal and face unlimited fines.

And finally, a genuine spoof. Have you heard the one about the penguins that can fly? A BBC camera crew filming a colony of Adelie penguins were astonished when they did something "no other penguins can do" and took to the Antarctic skies.

Source: BBC Magazine

SPAM

Spamming is the abuse of electronic messaging systems to indiscriminately send unsolicited bulk messages.

Spamming is economically viable because advertisers have no operating costs beyond the management of their mailing lists, and it is difficult to hold senders accountable for their mass mailings. Because the barrier to entry is so low, spammers are numerous, and the volume of unsolicited mail has become very high. The costs, such as lost productivity and fraud, are borne by the public and by Internet service providers, which have been forced to add extra capacity to cope with the deluge. Spamming is widely reviled, and has been the subject of legislation in many jurisdictions.

The people that create electronic spam are called spammers.

E-mail spam

E-mail spam, also known as unsolicited bulk email (UBE) or unsolicited commercial email (UCE), is the practice of sending unwanted e-mail messages, frequently with commercial content, in large quantities to an indiscriminate set of recipients.

Spam in e-mail started to become a problem when the Internet was opened up to the general public in the mid-1990s. It grew exponentially over the following years, and today comprises some 80 to 85% of all the email in the world, by conservative estimate; some sources go as high as 95%.

Pressures to make e-mail spam illegal has been successful in some jurisdictions, but less so in others. Spammers take advantage of this fact, and frequently outsource parts of their operations to countries where spamming will not get them into legal trouble.

Increasingly, e-mail spam today is sent via "zombie networks", networks of virus- or worm-infected personal computers in homes and offices around the globe; many modern worms install a backdoor which allows the spammer access to the computer.

E-mail is an extremely cheap mass medium, and professional spammers have automated their processes to a high extent. Thus, spamming can be very profitable even at what would otherwise be considered extremely low response rates.

An industry of e-mail address harvesting is dedicated to collecting email addresses and selling compiled databases. Millions of email addresses can be cheaply purchased

History
It is widely believed the term spam is derived from the 1970 Monty Python SPAM sketch, set in a cafe where nearly every item on the menu includes SPAM luncheon meat. As the server recites the SPAM-filled menu, a chorus of Viking patrons drowns out all conversations with a song repeating "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM... lovely SPAM, wonderful SPAM", hence "SPAMming" the dialogue. The excessive amount of SPAM mentioned in the sketch is a reference to British rationing during World War II. SPAM was one of the few meat products that avoided rationing, and hence widely available.

Although the first known instance of unsolicited commercial e-mail occurred in 1978 (unsolicited electronic messaging had already taken place over other media, with the first recorded instance being via telegram in May 1864), the term "spam" for this practice had not yet been applied.

It later came to be used on Usenet to mean excessive multiple posting—the repeated posting of the same message. The unwanted message would appear in many if not all newsgroups, just as SPAM appeared in all the menu items in the Monty Python sketch.

There are three popular false etymologies of the word "spam". The first is that "spamming" is what happens when one dumps a can of SPAM luncheon meat into a fan blade. The second is the backronym "shit posing as mail." The third is similar, using "stupid pointless annoying messages." Most suitable seems to be the Esperanto interpretation: The term spamo (with the o-ending designating nouns) makes sense as "senpete alsendita mesaĝo", which means "message being sent to someone without being asked for".

In 1998, the New Oxford Dictionary of English, which had previously only defined "spam" in relation to the trademarked food product, added a second definition to its entry for "spam": "Irrelevant or inappropriate messages sent on the Internet to a large number of newsgroups or users

Spam (food)
SPAM luncheon meat is a canned precooked meat product made by the Hormel Foods Corporation. The labelled ingredients in the Classic variety of Spam are: chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added, salt, water, sugar, and sodium nitrite to help "keep its color". The product has become part of many jokes and urban legends about mystery meat, which has made it part of pop culture and folklore.

Varieties of Spam vary by region and include Spam Black Pepper, Spam Less Sodium, Spam Garlic, Spam and Cheese, Spam with Bacon (Hormel bacon), Spam Spread, Spam Fritters, Spam Lite (containing pork and chicken), Spam Golden Honey Grail, Spam Hot and Spicy (with Tabasco sauce), Spam Hickory Smoked, and Spam Oven Roasted Turkey - the latter is also available as halal food, meaning that it is permissible under Islamic law, and is especially popular in Muslim markets.

Spam is produced in (among other places) Austin, Minnesota, USA (also known as Spam Town USA). In 2002, the six billionth can of Spam was sold. Spam for the UK market is produced in Denmark by Tulip under licence from Hormel.

Name origin

Introduced on July 5, 1937, the name "Spam" was chosen in the 1930s when the product, whose original name was far less memorable (Hormel Spiced Ham), began to lose market share. The name was chosen from multiple entries in a naming contest. A Hormel official once stated that the original meaning of the name Spam was "Shoulder of Pork and hAM". According to writer Marguerite Patten in Spam – The Cookbook, the name was suggested by Kenneth Daigneau, an actor and the brother of a Hormel vice president. At one time, the official explanation may have been that the name was a syllabic abbreviation of "SPiced hAM", but on their official website, Hormel denies this and states that "Spam is just that. Spam." The fact that the originator was given a $100 prize for coming up with the name, however, still appears on the site's Spam FAQs.

Many jocular backronyms have been devised, such as "Something Posing As Meat" and "Spare Parts Animal Meat." "Special Purpose Army Meat" has been suggested as another apocryphal backronym referring to the product's WWII roots.

According to Hormel's trademark guidelines, Spam should be spelled with all capital letters and treated as an adjective, as in the phrase "SPAM luncheon meat". As with many other trademarks, such as Xerox or Kleenex, people often refer to similar meat products as "spam".
Regardless, in practice, "spam" is generally spelled and used as a proper noun.

Source: Wikipedia

Source: aphexnon3 (You Tube) Key words: monty python spam subtitles

Here's the famous sketch all about the tinned meat.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Source: Melonhead622 (You Tube) Key words: eric idle bright side life

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.

And...
Always look on the bright side of life.[whistle]
Always look on the light side of life.[whistle]

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.

And...
Always look on the bright side of life.[whistle]
Always look on the right side of life,[whistle]

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it.
It's your last chance, anyhow.

So,...
Always look on the bright side of death,[whistle]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.[whistle]

Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life![whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle] Repeat to fade...

Humour

Put Downs:

If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee.- - - Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)

If you were my wife, I'd drink it.- - - Winston Churchill, in reply

Anecdotes:

Anecdote 1...


(Picasso recalls his mother's ambitions for him.)
"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk, you'll end up as Pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."




Anecdote 2...


In later life Picasso visited an exhibition of children's drawings. He observed, "When I was their age, I could draw like Raphael, but it took me a lifetime to learn to draw like them."



Puns:

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.


Limericks:

A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,
Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark,
And his voice is now two octaves higher.


Epigram:



"I can resist everything except temptation." Oscar Wilde













Non P.C. Jokes:


Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."


Have you got any jokes to share? Have a look at the examples of puns, limericks, corny jokes etc - which are your favourites?

Source: itslikeasaunainhere (You Tube) Key words: Fawlty towers mention war

This is part of an episode of a classic British sitcom from the 70s.

Read more about it  here