Humour

Put Downs:

If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee.- - - Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)

If you were my wife, I'd drink it.- - - Winston Churchill, in reply

Anecdotes:

Anecdote 1...


(Picasso recalls his mother's ambitions for him.)
"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk, you'll end up as Pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."




Anecdote 2...


In later life Picasso visited an exhibition of children's drawings. He observed, "When I was their age, I could draw like Raphael, but it took me a lifetime to learn to draw like them."



Puns:

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.


Limericks:

A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,
Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark,
And his voice is now two octaves higher.


Epigram:



"I can resist everything except temptation." Oscar Wilde













Non P.C. Jokes:


Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."


Have you got any jokes to share? Have a look at the examples of puns, limericks, corny jokes etc - which are your favourites?

Source: itslikeasaunainhere (You Tube) Key words: Fawlty towers mention war

This is part of an episode of a classic British sitcom from the 70s.

Read more about it  here